Before You Were Here

Before you were conceived I wanted you.

Before you were born, I loved you.

Before you were here an hour, I would die for you.

This is the miracle of life.

I can still remember clearly the first time we became pregnant. I rushed to the Dollar General to get a gift bag to put the pregnancy test in for Frog. I even bought a card and wrote something on the lines of how proud I was to be pregnant with our very own baby. I remember him walking in the door and the excitement we both had in our hearts. I remember sending my Mom & Dad flowers with baby trinkets on them, surprising them with the news! ... I also remember even more clearly, the day we lost that pregnancy. Words can't explain the hurt a couple goes through, so I won't even try.

We became pregnant again, and lost another.

I think of those days often, as I now share my life with 2 of the most beautiful 7 month old babies I've ever laid my eyes on. Not because I want to feel sad, but because I want to remember what it was like to want something so bad, and to finally have my prayers answered. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look back, and recall our efforts to get these children. I don't want to ever forget the feelings of sorrow, helplessness, and grief that we once lived and breathed.

Of course, I wish like a lot of other people that I could have had a pregnancy that wasn't full of worry and concern 99% of the time, but I couldn't deny that I was PREGNANT, and that was enough joy in itself.

I follow a few infertility blogs, and I feel for these couples who have been trying for 3 and 5 years to conceive, and I thank my lucky stars that God gave us Wyatt & Whitley. I don't think I'll ever understand why some of us have to go through so much heartache to bring a child into the world to love, when it's so easy for others. I know that if I were given twins that 1st pregnancy, there is NO way I would have cherished it the way I would have after our losses. That is my reason for why it happened to me, I believe.

At night when I am saying my prayers silently in my bed, I thank God every night for the blessings He's given me in my life. My twins, husband, family & friends. I also pray for those out there that are struggling with infertility. That it is as painless as possible and that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is coming. Please know that you are not alone, and that I as well as many others have been right where you are.

Now that I have my Gifts from Above, I can rest peacefully each night knowing I must have done something right to receive such a blessing! I love you, Wyatt & Whitley with my whole heart. Love, Mommy.